Raw Emotions

I guess I will first start off with an update on my previous posts.

So far my sister in law, Michele, is doing well. I too, have recovered from surgery and my doctor seems to think that it should never happen again. I haven't been posting for several reasons. One being, that I have had computer issues that I think I finally have worked out and second, I just haven't brought myself to do so.

I have been a complete mess. When I had said in one of my posts that I wasn't sure what kind of ride the Lord was going to take me on, well the ride has surely started.

I wanted to start this blog to be able to write about my journey so I could look back on it and see the Lord's leading and yet it has been so hard for me to write about my heartaches.

The past few months have been very rough. We are about to lose our home, I cannot find a job for the life of me, my emotions have been wild to say the least. I'm just not myself lately. I am normally the one who lifts everyones spirits up and lately without even saying a word, people I don't even know, have asked me if I'm OK. I guess they can read my face. Please know, that I know that the stress I have in my life right now doesn't even compare to others, but I think that's what is so important about blogs. That you are able to talk about your problems but then read about others and set your problems aside and pray for others needs. It really puts me in my place sometimes. Not saying that all blogs are just people who are talking about their problems either. Everyone has good days and bad and sometimes it brings me joy to read about others being blessed.

I for a while had been holding on so well, until, I found out that someone who I thought I knew sooo well, was cheating on her husband. It has affected me so much. I have become so bitter. I trusted her, and my kids looked up to her. I feel so betrayed even though I know that I'm not the one who was really betrayed. It really took me by surprise. It is just such a selfish act. I just don't understand how someone can do that to their family. She tells me, " Life is just complicated"........... WHAT???.......... I told her to read some blogs of families who are truly hurting and she will see how UNCOMPLICATED her life really is.

I know that the Lord will bring people to rock bottom to bring them up to where they belong. I am holding onto that and will continue to pray for her even though it is hard for me to do so. I really just want to smack some sense into her. (see there goes my wild emotions). Why is it so hard to pray for the Lord to fix someone your mad at?

I guess probably because I'm not where the Lord wants me to be, and I'm still being brought up.

I know that this post probably isn't one that many will want to read but it's one I needed to write. I pray that I soon will have happier ones to post but for now I just needed to vent.

Amy

How time flies........even when your NOT having fun.

Wow, I knew it had been a while since I had last posted but not this long. I have had so much going on.

• kids going back to school
• babysitting
• planning a baby shower
• my sister-in-law moving
• and then..................

I had not been feeling very well. Had missed my period and thought that maybe I was expecting but the tests kept coming back negative. Then came the pain. Pain that was coming and going and was at first hard to describe. The pain finally got to the point where it was constant. At that point I threw in the towel and told my husband to get me to the ER.

I arrived, and at first they thought as I did, that maybe I was pregnant but was loosing it. After urine tests and blood tests were done they knew, that was not the case, and they said that normally they would just chalk it all up to female problems and release the patient. Luckily I had a Doctor that could tell I was not faking the pain and my blood pressure proved it. She said because her boss wasn't there that night that she was going to order an ultrasound even though it went against their policy. She said even she wanted to know what was going on with me.

When it was all said and done they were able to see that I had an ovarian cyst that was hemorrhaging. The doctor said that every time a drop of blood would fall into my pelvic cavity it would send a shock wave of pain. That's why I felt like I was being stabbed inside.

I ended up having surgery and had the cyst removed. Still haven't met with my doctor yet to discuss everything with him. I have only got some info from what the doctor told my husband. I will meet with my doctor in another week and am praying that everything that was sent to Pathology comes back ok.

I have got so behind on my blog reading that I have so much to catch up on. At least now that I have been told to take it easy , I should have the time.

Three things you didn't know about me.......

1. I don't think I would live very long without spicy foods. Seriously, pepperonchinis are my favorite. I have been known to eat a whole jar in one day.

2. I am horrible about taking pictures. I always forget to bring my camera. Thank goodness my sister in law always has hers on her. I don't know what I would do without her.

3. I am a no nonsense type of mom. I try to be very creative with discipline too. For example, my son kept on trying to ride my daughters Little Tikes bike a few years back. I told him to stay off of it as he was way to big for it. Did he? Nope. What happened? He broke the handle bars right off of it. I pondered for a while as to how to handle it. Then it came to me. (Handle) it was. I made him carry the handle bars that he broke around with him all day long. Yep, to the grocery store and all. I'm sorry but it was funny, and he definitely learned his lesson. By the end of the day he was so done with that bike. He then used his own money and bought her a new one. He never went near the new one.

Oh and that time out thing.......... When my kids were small they wouldn't just go sit and relax in a corner. If they got a time out they were standing up holding a penny to the wall with their noses. If that penny fell..........time starts over. Lets just say made sure not to earn too many of those.=-)

My favorite Motto with the kids is "When you look good, I look good" and it works. They know not to make me look bad and I can't tell you the number of compliments I have gotten from people telling me how well behaved they are. (not like they never misbehave) but even they love to hear the compliments. It makes them feel good about themselves too.

Grass Valley Lake House

I have seen the MckLinky thing going on but being as I am new to the blogging thing, I have no idea how this all works. Maybe someday I will sit down and figure it all out.

So for now, I will play along (without) really playing along. This weeks theme is "A Favorite Photo"

This picture was taken on a very early morning when the lake was ever so still.

My father's good friend, named Labo, owned a house up in the San Bernardino mountains that was on Lake front property on Grass Valley Lake. Labo was an older man and his family hardly visited the house. He told my father that we could stay there as much as we wanted and in turn we did upkeep on the house and maintained it for them.

This turned out to be one of my life's biggest blessings. From the time I was little, probably about 5 years old, we would vacation there a few times a year. We even lived there for a few short periods of time. The last time we visited this house I was married and had two kids. This house held so many precious memories.

We spent so much time there that the animals even knew us. Every morning the squirrels would wait outside and literally eat out of our hands. The blue jays would wait in the surrounding trees and we would play games with them. We would throw peanuts up into the air and they would dive for them. The ones that were unlucky to catch any, would eventually come to us and take them from our hands also.

I remember the fires in the fireplace, playing pool in the pool room, the paddle boat that we managed to get stuck in the lake with(several times) but we would still take it back out again. Seeing snow fall for my first time. My first and only car accident(which involved a police car) that's a story in itself. Great luck I have, I know. Most of all though, it reminds me of my dad.

The memories of my dad there are endless. I also realized today, that every single person that has been a part of my life and made me who I am today, at one point in time was there at this house with me. It was a beautiful house. The house was three levels and had balconies that surrounded the whole backside of the house that overlooked the lake.

The house was eventually sold after Labo passed away. His family never used the house much so they sold it in 2002 I believe. I wished for the longest time that I would some day be able to buy the house myself.

In October of 2007, I heard on the news that Lake Arrowhead was on fire. It was a fire that was severely out of control. All I wanted to do was drive up there and check on what I considered "My House of Memories". A friend of mine(an Internet genius) was able to find out the exact property location for me and an article that described that area as a total loss. It was heartbreaking, but at least I knew. She later found actual pictures of the house ON FIRE. There was a local reporter that risked his own life for people like me. People that were so desperate just to know whether their homes were still there or not. Here is the picture of "My House" on fire. This was actually the carport area that was at the very top level of the house.



The fire fighters that were battling the fires were amazing. They knew at one point that they were no longer able to save the homes, so they instead, broke into the homes, grabbed a container or box and began to fill them with as many photos around the house that they could find. They then labeled the box with the address and took it to a safe spot. Days later, home owners were let back in, to find that their homes were completely gone.

What they also found on each of their properties, was a container filled with some of their personal belongings that the firemen were able to save. What an incredible gift for all these families.

So even though my memories there have ended in such a sad way, I am incredibly thankful for the times that I was able to spend there and the memories I will always hold close to my heart.

Amy

A heavy heart

Today I have many things on my heart.

I have been praying constantly for a little girl named Kate. Her story can be followed at
www.caringBridge.org/visit/mcraekate. I absolutely can't imagine what this family is feeling right now. I wish so much that there was some way I could help them. They have been giving updates regularly which makes it easier to know what exactly to pray for.

I have also had my sister-in-law Michele on my heart. She has Poly cystic kidney disease and she is going downhill Very fast. She recently had a port put into her stomach to allow her to do (at home) dialysis since no other veins were working for her. When she had the surgery done, it now appears that they accidentally pierced her bowels, and she in turn needed a second surgery to remove a portion of them. She is now fighting for her life due to infection and her poor health to begin with.

A couple of months back she had asked my husband and I if we would adopt her three children if she were to pass away. This decision has not been easy to make, and we still have not made it. We have no clue as to what these children have been exposed to as we know that she has led a very different lifestyle to say the least. We had separated ourselves from her life years ago due to choices she was making. We fear the affects that it could have on our own children and becoming a mother of six would be life altering. I also know financially, it would be VERY hard as we are having a hard time staying afloat as it is.

What bothers me most is that my husband and I see things differently. I forgive very easily and can put my sister-in-laws actions behind me. I do also want to give these kids a life that they haven't had before. I am one though, who also doesn't look at the big picture and has been railroaded before by people I have helped. I can't stop thinking about the fact that, here she is in a hospital bed, fighting for her life, and also scared about where her children might go. Nobody should ever feel that way.

My husband, on the other hand, is one that examines everything. Which yes, in some cases is good. From his standpoint, we cannot afford to raise other kids and from talking to social workers we would not be able to receive support for these children. Plus, we know nothing about the biological fathers and what we have heard we don't know what to believe.

My sister told a story to me the other day which has stayed with me. The short version goes like this......

A friend of hers from bible study was on the "Wheel of Fortune" game show. She made it all the way and managed to get to the bonus round. She did not say the phrase in time and didn't win. She would have won a substantial amount of money if she would have guessed the phrase in time. What bothered the lady the most is that she knew the answer but didn't get it out of her mouth in time. She went home feeling horrible. A few days later she called Social Security to inform them of the money she had won. They told her that if she were to have won $1.00 more that she would have been cancelled from Social Security for earning too much money. Was that God or what! Sometimes we just don't understand why things happen but they become very clear to us later.

So today I have been in prayer alot. Praying for Kate and praying lots and lots of details about what role I should play in regard to my nieces and nephews lives. I know the Lord will give me answers. I just hope that my mind will remain clear enough to recognize them.

Amy

Welcome to Arizona

Know your Neighbors

When I was 9 years old I experienced one of the scariest things in my life. I was at home with my mom. My mom told me that she was going to go and take a shower and told me that I was to stay inside.

Did I? No, of course not. I was the type of kid that (even though I was quiet) thought I could take care of myself. Thought I knew it all.

So I went outside and was sitting on the front of my mom's car in the driveway waiting for my friend to get home. I saw a brown van coming down the street. It was similar to the one that her mom drove, so I got off the car and stood up in the driveway. The van stopped in front of my driveway. To my surprise, It WAS NOT my neighbor.

There were two men in this van. The passenger got out of the van wearing medical type gloves and he held a handful of what looked like white powder. To this day I don't understand what that could have been. I got scared and began to run back towards my house. That man bolted after me.

I had an open yard (meaning no fence around my house) and I began to run to the back of my house screaming for my mom. Why I went running to the back, I don't know. I had come out of the front door to my house. I know now, if I would have attempted to run for the front door, he would have caught me for sure.

When I was about three quarters of the way to the back of my house, the man stopped chasing me. I got to the back and began to bang on the back door screaming for my mom. I remember hearing the van screech away. He must have thought that my mom was in fact in the back yard. She opened the door for me and I began to try to tell her what was wrong but I was frozen in fear and couldn't get the words out. It wasn't until a while later that I had calmed down enough to explain to her what had just happened. LESSON LEARNED.

So I tell this story today because I re-lived this experience in my dream last night. This has happened to me before. Actually quite a few times. I can see their faces and everything.

I am today a very cautious person. My children DO NOT play outside alone.

Last year, a house that is two down from mine, had some renters living in it. I began to see some strange activity. I was able to obtain the names of the men living there. To my surprise they were both sex offenders. One was supposed to be registered but was not listed as one in our state directory. I found this man on the site http://www.familywatchdog.us/ . He had been convicted of aggravated sexual assault of an eight year old little girl. I almost fell out of my chair when I read this info. I made sure that our local police dept. obtained his info and had him placed on our state site as well.

This man did move away a few months ago and while I feel a bit relieved, I know that he is now in a neighborhood that probably has no clue he is even there.

I encourage everyone to check out the site listed above and just know your neighbors. I understand that these offenders have rights too and I don't want anyone to try to harm anyone that they find lives next to them but I write this so that you can be aware and stay safe.

Please take a minute to search your area and always walk with your head held high. Predators look for ones who appear vulnerable.


Amy